Tiny's arrival

The wait for Tiny's arrival seemed endless! Things picked up speed only after 23rd Sep, just 6 days before the due date. During what was supposed to be the last of the weekly check-ups, the doctor mentioned, on studying my reports, that we could expect Tiny anytime during the next week. Also, since the scan showed that Tiny wasn't all that tiny, they were only going to 'attempt' a normal delivery and would rush me into the OT if things didn't move ahead. This was on Thursday..the day Sathya and Mom came from Bangalore. On Friday, I started showing initial signs of going into labor with very mild back ache and was asked to wait till Saturday morning. Everything was cool. During the check-up on Saturday, the doc mentioned that a normal delivery might be difficult considering the fact that Tiny was floating somewhere way above where he was supposed to be. It will still be attempted, though. This had all of us worried as I didn't want to go into a distress situation somewhere halfway through where a normal delivery wouldn't be possible and a C-sec would become difficult and they'd have to use forceps or vacuum. No way. On the spur of the moment, we decided to plan a C-sec for whenever the baby was ready. The doc said that the baby was ready whenever we were ready! :)

So after passing information to family, I got admitted on Saturday evening and had scheduled the cesarean for anytime between 10 am and 11.30 am on Sunday. Saturday evening was weird in more than one way. Vivi and Dad were rushing back to Bombay to be with us when Tiny arrived. Tatha’s condition had not improved but there was still hope. Mom and Sathya were juggling responsibilities between home and hospital. Sathya decided to stay the night at the hospital while mom waited for Vivi and Dad at home..they were to arrive at around 2 am. Mom brought us dinner at the hospital. I was on the phone with L. aunty who said that Tatha’s condition was steadily deteriorating. She said a very strange thing that if the ‘connection was really strong’, a baby boy will arrive the next morning. Tatha was on life support for over 3 days and the doctors said we could only prolong his life by keeping him on it but he wouldn’t be able to sustain on his own. A decision had to be taken.  Of either giving him a few more days to gather enough energy to be able to breathe on his own or to let him go. Ajji always maintained that we should do whatever it takes to ensure that tatha is comfortable, even if it meant letting him go. Somehow, I couldn’t comprehend the idea of helping him die, though I believe in euthanasia. With all this going on, I didn’t even think about Tiny’s arrival the next morning. Around 9.30 that night, mom came in teary eyed and said ‘Tatha decided for himself..he didn’t give any of us a chance to decide for him.’ I was numb. Dad had boarded the plane when he got the news and immediately requested to be deplaned. The airlines were kind enough to cancel his ticket. Only Vivi came back. I decided not to cry as my pulse and BP were being monitored constantly to ensure that I was fit for surgery. Sathya was also upset and nervous at the same time.  I didn’t have the courage to speak with Ajji. Mom informed the doctor about the situation so I was given some sedatives to help me rest through the night. They didn’t help one bit. I slept around 5.15 and was woken up for preparation at 6 am.

I woke up thinking about Tatha and suddenly L. aunty’s words about the strong connection came back to me. It was such a weird situation. Life had come a full circle with the end of one chapter and the beginning of a brand new one. Like magic, my mood changed and the fatigue and restlessness vanished. There was a strange calm within me. I freshened up, showered and let the nurses and doctors take over. Now my focus was only on what was to come in a few hours. A little bundle of infinite joy. I wanted Sathya to walk with me till the OT for the much needed reassurance and courage. But they weren’t allowed to. I was asked to lie down on a stretcher so that I could be wheeled in to the OT but I requested them to let me walk it up. It was again one of the weirdest things. I went through 4 doors to get into the OT that was prepared for me. For a person who is paranoid about surgeries and had asked the doctor the night before if there were any chances that she’ll die on the operating table, I was unbelievably brave at that moment. Somehow the passage through 4 doors and the lighting in the OT made me feel I was in a different world. The doctors were dressed up in sterile gowns, caps and gloves while I sat on the table and the anesthetist was readying her injection. I was told that since I am asthmatic and have a rare blood group and some known allergies to general anesthesia, I would be given only spinal anesthesia and would be awake through the surgery. She also told me not to move while she was administering the anesthesia as the needle might break and might get stuck in my spine forever. I was bracing myself for some pain and said ‘I’m ready…you can go ahead’. She said ‘I’m done’ even before I could finish my sentence. While talking to me, she had already injected me. :D The 2 obstetricians were all geared up for the surgery. I was looking around, waiting for the anesthesia to start acting up. The pediatrician walked in got ready. I noticed that the ceiling was full of some reflective material and I could see myself. The anesthetist asked me to move my right foot and I did so effortlessly. Then my left, I could only wiggle a toe. She then asked me to lift my right leg from the hip and I couldn’t feel my legs. She announced ‘She’s ready, you may begin’. The decided not to strap my hands to the table so that I could hold the baby as soon as it was born. The didn’t even put a curtain in front of my eyes. I was tense. I was watched them cut me open in the reflection. I didn’t have the guts to look at the operating directly. The anesthetist sat by my head, gently running her hands through my hair and held my hand tightly. She said I was one of the most cooperative patients she had met. I felt nice and comforted. Then I listened to some random conversation between the doctors about how taxing it is for them to work long hours and how one of them was delivering the fourth baby in 12 hours and that the facilities in the OT should be improved and much more casual talk..all while cutting me open.  They both look so much at ease. I looked up again and saw a lot of flesh and blood and the doctors hands inside my body. The other doctor was pushing my baby down from the abdomen so that they could pull it out. I felt nauseated and started screaming or at least tried to scream. All that came out was a feeble ‘voooooomeeeettttttiiiiinnnnnnggggg’. Then the anesthetist quickly changed the drips and I felt better in seconds.

Within a few minutes, one of the doctors had my baby’s head in her hand and was pulling him out. I could see his face! Then I heard his first cry. They quickly pulled the rest of his body out and the handed him over to the pediatrician. The anesthetist squeezed my hand tightly and congratulated me. She was still sitting by my head. I heard my baby cry out loudly and turned my head to watch him being cleaned up. I kept whispering ‘girl or boy’ several times before they could hear me. The pediatrician said ‘it’s a handsome little fellow’ and put a sticky little Tiny on my shoulder. He was crying loudly and immediately snuggled up and I kissed him. I also remembered how many people told me that the doctors messed up noting the exact time of birth in a cesarean delivery, so I asked for ‘time of birth’ several times before someone told me that Tiny was born at 10.59 am. They took him away to clean him up completely and I drifted away for a few minutes. Completely blacked out. When I came to my senses, I saw the baby being slapped several times to make him cry louder so that his chest would clear up. I was being stitched up at that time. The funny thing is that doctors had a non OT nurse as her assistant and had to explain every procedure to her. She and the other obstetrician were having a discussion on what kind of stitches to use – removable, staples or absorbent. The next thing I heard was her yelling at the nurse ‘knot ke baad cut karo’ several times. And then she lost her temper as the nurse had cut the knot itself. They removed the stitches and stitched me up again and this time the doctor cut the thread herself. heights of preparedness, i thought!!

As I was being wheeled out the OT back to my ward, I asked if they had shown the baby to Mom, Sathya and Vivi. I was waiting to see all of them. So many things were running through my head at the moment. The fact that I had survived a surgery. That Tiny had finally arrived. That the ‘connection’ was really strong and it is a baby boy. That Dad should’ve been around. For the first time in 12 hours, it sunk in that Tatha had passed away last night and I cried. When I reached my ward, Sathya, Vivi and Mom were already waiting there. They all hugged me. Within minutes They put a little baby cot next to mine and placed a snugly wrapped up Tiny in it. I remember Sathya kissing me several times and saying Thank you. Vivi was quietly standing by my side holding my hand. Mom was admiring her grandson and running in and out of the ward answering a million phone calls. I passed out after this and don’t remember waking up until 3 in the afternoon when the effect of the anesthesia had started wearing off.

Then I saw the little fur ball lying next to me, wrapped up like a gift. It struck me for the first time that I’d become a mother. That the little one would be dependent on me for EVERY thing. That I will be to him what Amma is to me. A little tear of happiness rolled down my cheek as Tiny grabbed my little finger in his sleep and snuggled up close to me. I fell in love with him that very moment!

Tiny's first photographs