Cranky cranky all day long!

Yesterday was vaccination day for Tiny. 2 injections and polio drops. The first time he got vaccinated, he was all of 3 days old and I was still too weak to move around. So mom took him for the vaccination and I had absolutely no idea what it would be like.

This time, I was prepared for a little bit of crankiness and some screaming and crying fits. I had also decided to hold him through the vaccinations. We reached the hospital and there was one more little baby, slightly older than Tiny, ahead of us waiting to be vaccinated.  They went in, i heard loud cries and some desperate cajoling by both the parents. and when they came out the kid was still howling away and the mother was also in tears...the poor dad din't know who to cajole! The sight gave me cold feet. Tiny was immediately transferred to my mother's confident arms. She welcomed him and gave me an all-knowing smile!

I went in with them. Well, Tiny's pediatrician isn't the friendliest of people nor is she the stereotypical loving candy-floss type of a doctor. Though she's a great doctor, she can be quite rude at times. She's not even the types to talk to babies and put them at ease. She just goes about with her work.

I think Tiny had sensed that something new was going to happen. The moment we walked in and the doctor put the stethoscope on his chest, Tiny did something very unusual. He looked at her and flashed a 10,000 watt smile with some lovely gurgling sounds. Even the doctor couldn't contain herself..she said 'hello baby..someone's become a big boy' and smiled back. I was surprised. The she quickly readied the injections and told us to keep talking to Tiny. We started while she finished. Tiny's face contorted and first a whimper and then the loud cry. really loud. It was heart wrenching. I then looked at his thigh..drops of blood trickling down. I had tears in my eyes. Tiny was sobbing inconsolably. It was time for the second injection. This worsened the sobbing  and I was ready to throw up. My mom also had tears in her eyes. I din't dare let the tears show cos I was sooo scared of the doctor. Lame reason, i know!

The drive back home rocked Tiny to sleep. But he woke up and continued crying the moment we got home. The crying continued through the day and the night. And this morning as well. Thankfully, it has subsided now and so has my nervousness.

It still breaks my heart to see two tiny pieces of band-aid on his little thighs. But I am braver by 2 vaccinations and hopefully will be able to hold and console Tiny through his next set of vaccinations in December.

Stylish Tiny :D

I was fooling around with Tiny's silky soft wispy hair while oiling it and ended up doing this: :D And he sat through the styling & photo session very very very patiently!

He might just kill me if he sees these pics when he grows up!!

Today's top stories

• Tiny has been enjoying long, deep and seemingly meaningful conversations with the bedsheet, the torch light, curtains and yes the floor tiles also! 
• He became uncontrollably excited when he heard Mynas chirping away outside our window - laughing and jumping and punching and kicking...making it difficult for us to even hold him in place!
• He is starting to move his eyeballs and now looks at us from the corner of his eyes...with a slight smile. Makes him look irresistibly cute and absolutely squish-able.

Bath-time stories

Well, this is something I haven't written about so far. Tiny L.O.V.E.S his bath...and I am not exaggerating!

For until a week after he was born, we were asked to give him only a sponge bath and he used to howl his head off. I was sure he'll hate getting into the water just as much as I do. Then my mom mustered all the courage she had and took him for a bath...the traditional style...a nice long oil massage followed by the bath with baby lying face down on my mom's outstretched legs. A gentle oil massage followed by one bucket of lukewarm water..the first mug was poured slowly on a hyper Tiny....and to our surprise, he just relaxed and let his hands and legs loose. Then, mug after mug of water and he just fell asleep. He'd hate it if you stop pouring water to apply shampoo / soap. The key is to ensure that he's not hungry or sleepy, which we figured quickly.

Till about 10 days ago, I would just give him the oil massage and Amma or the maid would give him the bath cos i still couldn't sit down. I'd just stand watching, amazed at how much the little thing loved water. One more thing, Tiny isn't too kind to new people giving him a bath..he's used to my mom's gentle, confident hands. My aunt tried to give him a bath for 2 days..and he howled and screamed and went purple in the face till she returned him to my mom...and he was a happy baby again. 10 days ago, I decided to take over the bath as well. I'd observed my mom and the maid give him a bath, how they hold him while putting him face down on the legs, how the lift him back up, how they carefully wash his face without letting the soap get into the eyes / nose / mouth, how to wash his hair without him panicking, how to keep him in place without letting him slip and fall, how to quickly wrap him up in the towel and dress him up before he gets cold.

I felt I was ready to give my baby a bath. I just asked the maid to show me how much pressure she applied while scrubbing his back and then we were ready to go. I was just a little worried about how he'd react to the 'new' person giving him a bath. And I chose the day well too..when my mom was out..so that she wouldn't feel sorry if the baby started crying and then take over. My maid, who is also a professional 'maalishwali', assured me that even if the baby slips and falls, nothing will happen. I also kept everything within arms reach - the soap, shampoo, towel, and the mobile phone...just in case!!.With this confidence and reassurance, I took tiny in my arms, said a silent prayer and began. Put him face down, with one hand holding his head down, expecting him to start screaming any moment. No screaming. started pouring water sloooowwwllllyyy...still no screaming! Applied shampoo and soap as quickly as i could...just a whimper. and in a few minutes, we were done...no casulties and a normal looking tiny who hadn't changed colour! Thank GOD for that!

Day 2 was far simpler and now am very comfortable and confident...so much that my maid complimented me on having learnt it so quickly! :)

Yesterday was totally different though. His oil massage lasted longer than usual..almost 30 minutes and he was exhausted at the end of it. So much that while i was getting the water ready for his bath, he fell asleep!!!!! How does one wake up a little child, sleeping so peacefully, just to give him a a bath?! I thought i'll wait till he wakes up, but he was soaked in oil and lying nangu pangu...so decided to go ahead with the bath. He'd wake up when I pour the first mug of water and scream for a bit...which I was confident of handling. So I carried him carefully and put him face down. He didn't move a limb. I poured water, no sound. I put shampoo and soap...still no movement. Turned him face up and washed his face...just a grimace and a slight whimper..but didn't wake up. My grandma watched in amazement...with her jaw wide open. I was almost sure something had gone wrong and he was unconscious or something and had started panicking. When I was done with pouring the water and wrapped him up in the towel, he opened his eyes for a moment, frowned, then smiled and went back to sleep. He actually SLEPT THROUGH HIS BATH! This was a first even for my g'mom who has bathed several babies in 79 years.

After this 2 things are for sure...that he's a hopeless water baby and if he is in deep sleep, he won't wake up for anything - both just like his dad!!

A well oiled Tiny waiting for his bath

Tiny, fresh and happy after a relaxing bath! 

Not so Tiny anymore :(

Tiny is almost 2 months old and when the doctors told me that he's too big for me, they weren't kidding. He was 50 cm long when he was born. Now...he doesn't even fit into my arms anymore :(

Those are Tiny's feet jutting out of my lap...:(

The rate at which Tiny's growing up I don't have much time to capture the moments and create memories for us to revisit when we are older. It feels like he was born just a few days ago. And now that I am back to working from home, it eats into the time I used to spend watching Tiny sleep or learning how to put him to sleep and sometimes even playing with him. I need to buck up and pack more into my day.

In other news,

I made a scrapbook for Tiny yesterday and we even took his first footprints. it was fun - with Tiny getting all wiggly and me not letting go of his little foot, determined to get him to put it on paper. After several attempts and 2 little multi-colored feet, I got it some-what right. Now, getting his hand prints will be a much more difficult task and must be attempted only when he is fast asleep. Hope to try today.

Tiny also sent a surprise to his grandparents and uncle and aunt in Bangalore - a lovely letter with some of his photos. They have to wait till Feb next year to see him.

Magic of a child's love

The weather was terrible last night and Tiny was cranky through the evening. Kept breaking into crying fits every half an hour, refused to sleep and was generally being very difficult, which is very unlike him. After several attempts by everyone at home, he finally fell asleep around 10pm or so. I quickly finished some pending work, sent some e-mails and crawled onto the bed to catch some sleep before he wakes up again.

Usually, if I am dog-tired, i drift into deep sleep in a matter of seconds. Thanks to Tiny, in the past 2 months, I've been converted into an ultra light sleeper who wakes up even if someone tiptoes into the room. And last night the thunder and lightning just made it worse. I tossed and turned and continued to be restless, all the while stressing over the fact that I couldn't sleep and will be groggy when Tiny wakes up in some time. I just bent over to check if the Tiny was still fast asleep or was in the process of waking up, he caught my finger tightly and wouldn't let go. So I slept next to him on his little Pooh pillow resting my forehead on his little shoulder. Like magic, i fell asleep in a few seconds. And the understanding Tiny woke up only at 3am, giving me almost 4 hours of sound sleep in the comfort of his arms!

Thank you baby!

First smiles!

Tiny is almost 2 months old now...how time flies! He's learning how to smile and just gifted us with a few precious toothless smiles..of which i managed to capture these. Am waiting for the day when he starts smiling more often..when he starts laughing...it'll be such a treat!

Children's Day Special!

Today is the first time Tiny celebrated Children's Day..and he did it in style. By stepping out for a LONG drive, all the way to Worli sea face. I was apprehensive about being out of comfort zone for such a long time. It'll interfere with his feeding schedules. What if he gets cranky in between? What if he dirties his diaper? But then, we had to do this some day, so why not today!

So we dressed Tiny up in my favourite clothes - a little white pair of pants which has lots of cars and a white T-shirt (with love from Vivi). Snugly wrapped up in a sunshiney yellow receiving blanket, Tiny was all set to go. We sat in the car and Tiny was overwhelmed with all the sights and sounds. He craned his delicate, shaky neck to look out of the window and take it all in. He kept saying aaaa, oooo, gurgling and blowing spit bubbles...for about 10 minutes. Then he drifted into deeeeeeeeep sleep...so deep that he woke up only when we returned home 2.5 hours later! :(

So much for his first outing and my plans of clicking pictures of him by the sea! The good thing is that I am now confident of taking him out and the next time S visits us, we plan many more such outings.

This picture is of him in the cute clothes just before we left home. :D

Tiny - the entertainer!

Got a good dose of midnight entertainment last week when Tiny decided to show off all the expressions he's learnt since he was born. And he was in such a hurry that he wanted to finish the show in 10 minutes. Captured most of his expressions...thankfully!

When Tiny cries...

...He doesn't just cry. He howls his head off and he's unstoppable! The first time I heard him cry it was just a little whimper and both mom and went 'aaawwww...such a silent little doll he is!' Then, we heard his real cry when the nurses took him across the corridor for a vaccination. OMG...was that my baby?!

There was no looking back after that..he'd cry when the nurses gave him a sponge bath, he'd cry when he was hungry....for almost anything. It is for us to figure out why he could be crying and act accordingly. He could be hungry OR he could be sleepy OR he could have wet / dirtied himself OR he's scared OR he wants attention OR he got startled and wants to be comforted OR he's uncomfortable OR he's in pain OR (and the list could go on and on and on).

The problem is that Tiny is impatient. So, if he's sleepy and I think he's crying for hunger..he cries till he turns maroon in the face, giving me a shock! OR if he's hungry and I check his diaper before checking if he's hungry   , he'll make sure he cries so much that I remember not to repeat the mistake the next time.

Now i've figured out a way to interpret his cries..he cries differently for hunger, for sleep etc. so the mistakes are fewer. And the best part is that once we've attended to him, he quietens in a few minutes and has this angelic look on his face making us wonder if it was the same baby that was bringing the roof down just a few minutes ago. Smart kid!

Tiny's arrival

The wait for Tiny's arrival seemed endless! Things picked up speed only after 23rd Sep, just 6 days before the due date. During what was supposed to be the last of the weekly check-ups, the doctor mentioned, on studying my reports, that we could expect Tiny anytime during the next week. Also, since the scan showed that Tiny wasn't all that tiny, they were only going to 'attempt' a normal delivery and would rush me into the OT if things didn't move ahead. This was on Thursday..the day Sathya and Mom came from Bangalore. On Friday, I started showing initial signs of going into labor with very mild back ache and was asked to wait till Saturday morning. Everything was cool. During the check-up on Saturday, the doc mentioned that a normal delivery might be difficult considering the fact that Tiny was floating somewhere way above where he was supposed to be. It will still be attempted, though. This had all of us worried as I didn't want to go into a distress situation somewhere halfway through where a normal delivery wouldn't be possible and a C-sec would become difficult and they'd have to use forceps or vacuum. No way. On the spur of the moment, we decided to plan a C-sec for whenever the baby was ready. The doc said that the baby was ready whenever we were ready! :)

So after passing information to family, I got admitted on Saturday evening and had scheduled the cesarean for anytime between 10 am and 11.30 am on Sunday. Saturday evening was weird in more than one way. Vivi and Dad were rushing back to Bombay to be with us when Tiny arrived. Tatha’s condition had not improved but there was still hope. Mom and Sathya were juggling responsibilities between home and hospital. Sathya decided to stay the night at the hospital while mom waited for Vivi and Dad at home..they were to arrive at around 2 am. Mom brought us dinner at the hospital. I was on the phone with L. aunty who said that Tatha’s condition was steadily deteriorating. She said a very strange thing that if the ‘connection was really strong’, a baby boy will arrive the next morning. Tatha was on life support for over 3 days and the doctors said we could only prolong his life by keeping him on it but he wouldn’t be able to sustain on his own. A decision had to be taken.  Of either giving him a few more days to gather enough energy to be able to breathe on his own or to let him go. Ajji always maintained that we should do whatever it takes to ensure that tatha is comfortable, even if it meant letting him go. Somehow, I couldn’t comprehend the idea of helping him die, though I believe in euthanasia. With all this going on, I didn’t even think about Tiny’s arrival the next morning. Around 9.30 that night, mom came in teary eyed and said ‘Tatha decided for himself..he didn’t give any of us a chance to decide for him.’ I was numb. Dad had boarded the plane when he got the news and immediately requested to be deplaned. The airlines were kind enough to cancel his ticket. Only Vivi came back. I decided not to cry as my pulse and BP were being monitored constantly to ensure that I was fit for surgery. Sathya was also upset and nervous at the same time.  I didn’t have the courage to speak with Ajji. Mom informed the doctor about the situation so I was given some sedatives to help me rest through the night. They didn’t help one bit. I slept around 5.15 and was woken up for preparation at 6 am.

I woke up thinking about Tatha and suddenly L. aunty’s words about the strong connection came back to me. It was such a weird situation. Life had come a full circle with the end of one chapter and the beginning of a brand new one. Like magic, my mood changed and the fatigue and restlessness vanished. There was a strange calm within me. I freshened up, showered and let the nurses and doctors take over. Now my focus was only on what was to come in a few hours. A little bundle of infinite joy. I wanted Sathya to walk with me till the OT for the much needed reassurance and courage. But they weren’t allowed to. I was asked to lie down on a stretcher so that I could be wheeled in to the OT but I requested them to let me walk it up. It was again one of the weirdest things. I went through 4 doors to get into the OT that was prepared for me. For a person who is paranoid about surgeries and had asked the doctor the night before if there were any chances that she’ll die on the operating table, I was unbelievably brave at that moment. Somehow the passage through 4 doors and the lighting in the OT made me feel I was in a different world. The doctors were dressed up in sterile gowns, caps and gloves while I sat on the table and the anesthetist was readying her injection. I was told that since I am asthmatic and have a rare blood group and some known allergies to general anesthesia, I would be given only spinal anesthesia and would be awake through the surgery. She also told me not to move while she was administering the anesthesia as the needle might break and might get stuck in my spine forever. I was bracing myself for some pain and said ‘I’m ready…you can go ahead’. She said ‘I’m done’ even before I could finish my sentence. While talking to me, she had already injected me. :D The 2 obstetricians were all geared up for the surgery. I was looking around, waiting for the anesthesia to start acting up. The pediatrician walked in got ready. I noticed that the ceiling was full of some reflective material and I could see myself. The anesthetist asked me to move my right foot and I did so effortlessly. Then my left, I could only wiggle a toe. She then asked me to lift my right leg from the hip and I couldn’t feel my legs. She announced ‘She’s ready, you may begin’. The decided not to strap my hands to the table so that I could hold the baby as soon as it was born. The didn’t even put a curtain in front of my eyes. I was tense. I was watched them cut me open in the reflection. I didn’t have the guts to look at the operating directly. The anesthetist sat by my head, gently running her hands through my hair and held my hand tightly. She said I was one of the most cooperative patients she had met. I felt nice and comforted. Then I listened to some random conversation between the doctors about how taxing it is for them to work long hours and how one of them was delivering the fourth baby in 12 hours and that the facilities in the OT should be improved and much more casual talk..all while cutting me open.  They both look so much at ease. I looked up again and saw a lot of flesh and blood and the doctors hands inside my body. The other doctor was pushing my baby down from the abdomen so that they could pull it out. I felt nauseated and started screaming or at least tried to scream. All that came out was a feeble ‘voooooomeeeettttttiiiiinnnnnnggggg’. Then the anesthetist quickly changed the drips and I felt better in seconds.

Within a few minutes, one of the doctors had my baby’s head in her hand and was pulling him out. I could see his face! Then I heard his first cry. They quickly pulled the rest of his body out and the handed him over to the pediatrician. The anesthetist squeezed my hand tightly and congratulated me. She was still sitting by my head. I heard my baby cry out loudly and turned my head to watch him being cleaned up. I kept whispering ‘girl or boy’ several times before they could hear me. The pediatrician said ‘it’s a handsome little fellow’ and put a sticky little Tiny on my shoulder. He was crying loudly and immediately snuggled up and I kissed him. I also remembered how many people told me that the doctors messed up noting the exact time of birth in a cesarean delivery, so I asked for ‘time of birth’ several times before someone told me that Tiny was born at 10.59 am. They took him away to clean him up completely and I drifted away for a few minutes. Completely blacked out. When I came to my senses, I saw the baby being slapped several times to make him cry louder so that his chest would clear up. I was being stitched up at that time. The funny thing is that doctors had a non OT nurse as her assistant and had to explain every procedure to her. She and the other obstetrician were having a discussion on what kind of stitches to use – removable, staples or absorbent. The next thing I heard was her yelling at the nurse ‘knot ke baad cut karo’ several times. And then she lost her temper as the nurse had cut the knot itself. They removed the stitches and stitched me up again and this time the doctor cut the thread herself. heights of preparedness, i thought!!

As I was being wheeled out the OT back to my ward, I asked if they had shown the baby to Mom, Sathya and Vivi. I was waiting to see all of them. So many things were running through my head at the moment. The fact that I had survived a surgery. That Tiny had finally arrived. That the ‘connection’ was really strong and it is a baby boy. That Dad should’ve been around. For the first time in 12 hours, it sunk in that Tatha had passed away last night and I cried. When I reached my ward, Sathya, Vivi and Mom were already waiting there. They all hugged me. Within minutes They put a little baby cot next to mine and placed a snugly wrapped up Tiny in it. I remember Sathya kissing me several times and saying Thank you. Vivi was quietly standing by my side holding my hand. Mom was admiring her grandson and running in and out of the ward answering a million phone calls. I passed out after this and don’t remember waking up until 3 in the afternoon when the effect of the anesthesia had started wearing off.

Then I saw the little fur ball lying next to me, wrapped up like a gift. It struck me for the first time that I’d become a mother. That the little one would be dependent on me for EVERY thing. That I will be to him what Amma is to me. A little tear of happiness rolled down my cheek as Tiny grabbed my little finger in his sleep and snuggled up close to me. I fell in love with him that very moment!

Tiny's first photographs

To my little one

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dear Baby Doll,

Before I say anything else, I'd like to say THANK YOU! For coming into my life when I needed you the most.

I believe that you're nothing less than a miracle. A gift sent by God himself. And my most precious gift till date.

Your father and I were eager to have a baby and when we came to know you were coming to us, the happiness we felt cannot be compared to anything else we had experienced till then. When we saw you for the first time, you were the size of a little bud. 0.7cm or something as tiny as that. I couldn't believe it. We had to wait for 2 more weeks to be sure of your arrival. Nothing could've prepared us for what we were about to see during the second scan. We saw you come to life. Yes, we could see your teeny little heart beating away. It was such a beautiful feeling. And for the first time that day, I felt so proud to have you inside me. I cried. When I told your father he was equally overcome with emotion. You were 7 weeks and 3 days old then.

The next few weeks were an absolutely whirlwindy with me trying to balance my work-life with the increasing morning-sickness (yes I had to deal with it for almost 4 full months), a ravenous appetite and drastic mood swings. I also went through a phase where I wasn't sure if I would be a good mother as I was unable to handle myself, let alone handling a little baby. Your dad was at his reassuring best ALL the time and has had a huge role to play in calming me down and helping me see the joy in the moment and enjoy the months ahead instead of worrying incessantly about things I was just imagining. 

Also, we traveled to Mumbai twice by flight (once in early Feb and once in March) to take care of Ammamma who was very sick at the time and had undergone a surgery. I was confident you'll cope with the flight travel, and you did! 

In April, when you were 4 odd months old, my life took an unexpected turn..now I realise for the better. Your dad had a bad attack of Chicken Pox for the first time in his life and I took the risk of being with him throughout, much against the advise of a whole lot of people, including the doctors. You were such a wonderful baby and cooperated so well those few days. We were scared for you. But you proved to be a fighter and am so proud of it. I prayed to God every moment in those few days for your well being. For your safety. And God did answer my prayers. In my next scan at 22 weeks we saw you to be a perfect, happy bouncy little thing with teeny weeny arms and legs. The relief I felt when the doctor told me everything was Ok was overwhelming.

It was during this time that I quit my job and decided to stay back home to take care of my family. As I'm writing this, at 6 months of pregnancy, i believe it was a good decision. Nothing can ever bring back these wonderful days and I wanted to enjoy every day of my first pregnancy. Being able to feel you kick, squirm, bounce all day long; Having long conversations with you whenever I felt like it and imagining your kicks to be a response to what I was saying. Fantasizing about what life will be like after you come into the world - tiny clothes all around, colourful toys, loud cries, precious smiles and above all that.. the unconditional love.

During our first wedding anniversary celebrations in Maldives, you were at your active best. Your behaviour in those 5 days gave me an indication that you might turn out to be a hopeless and incorrigible foodie just like the two of us. How you would kick during meal times! Again, you were a gem of a baby throughout and didn't cause the least bit of discomfort and allowed us to enjoy the vacation thoroughly. 

I've done a lot of things that most women don't dare to do during their pregnancy, especially the first one... like travel several times by air during the first and second trimesters, take long road trips,take speed boat rides in the rough sea, risking a dangerous, contagious infection,watching bollywood movies, eating anything and everything that came my way and just continuing to be myself. I've also not done many things that pregnant women are particular about like being oh-so-gentle, behave like a patient and refuse to do any strenuous work, listen to calm music, reading 'good' books etc etc. And you, my baby, have been a great partner in all my deeds. Am sure you'll turn out to be just like Appa and me in many ways. You've already shown us that you are a fighter, a traveler at heart and also a foodie by nature. The rate at which am watching bollywood movies and enjoying the FIFA world cup, am assuming you'll be just as filmy as I am and enjoy playing and watching sports as much as Appa does. :D 

As the 9-month wait to bring you into the world is drawing in on me, am becoming increasingly  excited. We are also preparing to discipline ourselves so that we can bring you up the right way till you are old enough to take care of yourself. 

Both Appa and I are going to try our best to give you a good life to the best of our abilities starting from day one. Hope you are warm, healthy and comfortable and stay that way always. Wishing you a wonderful life ahead my little one.

Loads and loads of love,
Amma